07-12-14 / NEW COMMERCIAL

Spent a bleddy cold day in a park somewhere near Wembley Stadium this week shooting a commercial. We were already on borrowed time considering the short winter light (What About the Bodies all over again, brrrh) and a taxi balls-up robbed us of an hour by delivering an actor late. We hadn't finished by the time darkness cackled its way into proceedings, and I must remember to buy a pointy wizard hat for DP David Procter, who managed to seamlessly transform night into day (and I mean NIGHT).

28-11-14 / EXGROUND FILMFEST, GERMANY

Free films again! Jury duty in Wiesbaden for Exground Filmfest, my invitation being the result of winning the prize there last year with Stew & Punch. For me, the primary attraction of sitting on juries (apart from the opportunity to see justice, as I see it, is served) is to keep up with the current crop of festival films when I don't have a new title of my own to attend with. My fellow jurors, in their capacities as programmers for Hamburg Short Film Festival and Regensburg Short Film Week, had seen most of the films before. I had only seen ONE this time, which was smashing.

Myself, Axel Behrens (Hamburg) and Insa Wiese (Regensburg) awarded a special mention to Nikola Majdak & Ana Nedeljkovic's Rabbitland (Serbia), while the main prize went to Adriano Valerio's 37°4 S (France). Some brilliant guests, super-welcoming hospitality, nightmarishly persistent hotel cleaners, and a damn good time in general. While smack in the middle of prepping a commercial and wrestling with a feature-length script, this year's trip to Wiesbaden turned out to be a much-needed hiatus that I can't forget in a hurry.

10-10-14 / CHINA

Jury duty at Shortvisions Film Festival in Ningbo, China. Virgin Atlantic provided an outrageous start to proceedings by announcing that a passenger's golden iPhone had been stolen and ”everyone in economy class” (!) would be searched by police on arrival in Shanghai. People in premium economy and business class aren't capable of stealing, you see. This was just the final chapter to ten hours of bedlam, akin to a bazaar full of hectic hagglers, in the sky. Glad to be off the plane, the following three-hour journey to Ningbo was all potholed motorway madness, bleating horns and killer trucks seemingly intent on sandwiching our minibus. Thankfully, the fancy hotel room (with complimentary gas mask and electronically-controlled everything) was like a full-blown apartment. I finally slept, in a bed big enough for four, and in the middle of the night I leaned out of the window to see a doorman practising his fighting techniques outside the hotel entrance.

Despite the fact that the Chinese government have banned Facebook and Twitter, and even Google is almost impossible to access, there is no cinema classification system. This ensures that while children are safe from corruption via social media, they are perfectly able to go and watch violent horror films. Cinemas are allegedly taking it upon themselves to start imposing restrictions independently, despite the subsequent loss in ticket sales. Also, it seems perfectly acceptable to enjoy a loud phone conversation during a film. At one point I had to run from the front of the cinema right up to the back to stop someone from shouting into his phone. And I don't exaggerate when I say shouting; obviously he couldn't enjoy his chat while the pesky film was playing. Despite lasting several minutes, the public sitting around him didn't seem fazed at all.

Between jet lag and jury duties, there was sadly almost no time to explore Ningbo. When the jury decisions were made I took the Friday evening off to go and see the city. There were drinking games between groups at almost every table, a proper cowboy-style bar brawl involving chairs and everything, bar staff who breathed fire and juggled bottles, and an utterly unexpected but brilliant all-African club which, no pun intended, turned my white trainers black. Seriously.

After the confusing, ever-changing plans of the week (standard teething troubles for a virgin festival), awards night came around. We'd been asked to bring formal dress but I wasn't quite prepared for the glitz of an Oscar cermony. Having been swept into a black car, neither myself or anyone else had any clue that we were about to step out into a spotlight at the beginning of a long red carpet, flanked down both sides by an enthusiastic camera-wielding public. There was much fun to be had in the sheer Chinese glamour of it all, and I managed to steal a picture with the coolest dude in the place (below). Awards over, the after-party dry, and jet lag gave way to insomnia. I watched the clock in my room count every hour until finally falling asleep 30 minutes before having to wake up for the minibus to Shanghai.

All in all, the festival's guest organisation had its bumpy moments, but the staff, the other attending filmmmakers and jurors were all lovely people. I'm grateful for the experience and have no doubt that it will run smoother in coming years.

The 3 hour minibus journey back to Shanghai was once again dominated by blaring horns, swerving and enough sharp braking to prevent any chance of sleep. The "airport hotel" destination (nowhere near either the airport or the city) was extremely unfortunate. We had been spoilt with our Ningbo hotel rooms, but this place was grim indeed, being 90 minutes out of the city, with an unforgettable smell. Most filmmakers were flying home to their respective countries the following day and were keen to get stuck into their one day of exploring, so luggage was dumped and we all took the 90 minute metro ride into Shanghai, marvelling at the images on the tunnel walls which appear to animate in flipbook style as the train zooms through (mostly advertising, pff).

I had the pleasure of catching up with Australian director pal Kasimir Burgess, having first met him a few years back in Sapporo. I'm certain that it was the MSG in everything we ate that kept me awake for what became a 36 hour stretch. We ticked off some mandatory sightseeing of the Shanghai skyline on the Bund, where an unexpected fireworks display kicked off and hundreds of thousands of pounds exploded into bugger all. After much walking, and before the long cab ride back to Hotel Grim, there was time for late night food. The menu translations provided light relief to a long sleepless day (days, in my case) and while there is nothing unusual about a poorly translated menu, which provide cheap giggles in many countries, I couldn't help thinking that this one was deliberate mischief. Amongst the delicacies (and the things we did order were delicious) were Overlord Pig Knuckles, Spicy and remove the flesh and blood, Fuck a cuttlefish zhai, Fuck a bullfrog, Spiced salt blows up pig hand, Get rid of small lobster of head, Spicy screw, Dry pot Tofu with thousands of pages, and the curious sounding Millet Pepper loves big cock.

Next morning I transferred to an apartment in the more centrally-located French Concession district, a lovely area where I felt much more at home. I should have stayed there because during a brief stint in a much more industrial part of town I could actually feel my lungs burning. Suddenly, the pollution masks made sense. Traffic is utter chaos and it beggars belief how the cars and bicycles manouvre without clattering into each other. I didn't see a single cycling helmet, despite many bicycles having kids sitting upfront, yet I didn't see a single accident either. If you spend too much time gazing up at the buildings you could easily be hit by a scooter whizzing toward you on the pavement. As for other cultural eccentricities, I only experienced a handful of public burping and farting moments, but lots of spitting... even on the polished floors of shopping malls, by store owners. The ubiquitous sound of phlegm being hocked up and flobbed out, people shoving each other and conversing at such a volume you could be mistaken for thinking they are arguing, cars and even public buses regularly missing pedestrians by inches... A mellow evening in a jazz bar was just what the doctor ordered.

On my last day I got up early and set off in the rain to go and watch the older generation do their Tai Chi in Fuxing park, before a spot of filming in the old antiques market. I managed to rip myself off when the stall owner became so intent on selling me a second item that I escaped him without taking my change, meaning I managed to buy 'one for the price of two'. Walking a GoPro camera around on a monopod brought no end of attention, even in a country so full of technology, and a curious Chinese public think nothing of stopping and staring you in the face. Ate some amazing dumplings, refused to buy a plastic toy from an old lady, who then offered to sell me sex instead (just buy something damn it) then wound up in a club and decided to go through the night until my morning trip to the airport. Not my brightest idea.

Having arrived back at the apartment at 8am, I somehow decided there was enough time for an hour's sleep (noooooooo) so I set my alarm and promptly slept through it. Waking 90 minutes later than planned, I ran pell mell to the metro, then the MagLev train, zooming to the airport at over 400km an hour to inevitable failure. I was lucky to be transferred to the next day's flight for a reduced fee and booked myself into the airport hotel (thankfully in the airport this time). When I entered the room, the bed with a sad face (above) summed things up. After a few hours' unconsciousness on said sad face, and as the metro only cost 70 pence, I headed back into Shanghai for a cheeky bonus mooch around the beautiful and labyrinthine Tian Zi Fang and, like a ghost who wasn't meant to be there, made some relatively relaxed peace with a city I struggle to understand.

22-09-14 / ENCOUNTERS / SPECIAL MENTION FOR 'STEW & PUNCH' IN TENERIFE

It's that time of year again, leaving Encounters Short Film Festival behind for another four seasons and suddenly having to adjust to being under a post-festival pisscloud. This was Encounters' 20th edition; definitely something to celebrate at a time when too many festivals are being forced to bring their shutters down. I was honoured to play my part by contributing an essay about the importance of film festivals to their anniversary publication and to take part in the ‘retrospective insight’ talk. I finally got to attend the popular Late Lounge section for a barmy smattering of "trash" films (sex, violence, humour).

So a good time was had once again, and when it was all over I discovered the amazing boat transport from the city centre (right outside the main festival location) to the train station. Perhaps the festival should encourage people to use the service as it gives a great impression of Bristol for arriving guests. It certainly took the edge off leaving for me, at least until the subsequent torture of Sunday rail travel, when journeys take twice as long and are thrice as populated, with enough irritating 'whistle' alerts from Samsung phones to compose the Colonel Bogey March 57 times over. A poor lady at the next table suffered a very public panic attack when the train was redirected through a long tunnel, putting my irritable brain syndrome into humbled perspective.

And Stew & Punch received a special mention at Tenerife Shorts, yey!

11-09-14 / THINGS...

A scribble of things have been happening. The broadcast of Stew & Punch on Sky Arts went without a hitch, I'm collaborating with another photographer to resuscitate a short film I had aborted during prep four years ago, and I escaped the UK for a writing stint in Hamburg to develop my new feature film (!). Yes, a gentle but official ball has begun rolling so now I just need to get it to the top of the hill in order to roll it down the other side and see what happens.

While in Hamburg, the Wall is a Screen crowd were hosting a 'maritime' edition of their famed event, meaning a cruise through the lesser known areas of the Hamburg harbour with water-themed films projected from the boat onto docks, bridges and other ships. The always-unpredictable moments of these random screenings were typically present and correct, especially when Mark Baker's Jolly Roger had to be paused for another passenger boat as it passed in front of the 'screen'. The paused film, coincidentally frozen on an angry pirate's face, summed up the interruption and surely left the passing craft's passengers bamboozled. Great fun, and soon followed by St Pauli's annual weekend of culture (or something), involving fresh homemade sausages on the street, yum.

Somewhere amongst this, another session I shot for The Petebox was released, which you can check here. Also, I don't recall if I previously published a link to this nutty little favourite from last year.

13-08-14 / 'STEW & PUNCH' BROADCAST RESCHEDULED

News just in that Stew & Punch will now be broadcast NEXT wednesday (20th) instead of this evening, due to Robin Williams' suicide and sensitive content in the other film that screens in the programme.

06-08-14 / 'STEW & PUNCH' ON TV

Stew & Punch will be broadcast on Sky Arts on Sunday August 13th (the weekend after next!) as the opening episode of Rankin presents: Collabor8te. The programme features interviews with myself and lead actor Marc Ryan-Jordan.

27-07-14 / SPECIAL MENTION FOR 'STEW & PUNCH'

Stew & Punch just won the special mention at Wiz-Art, Lviv International Short Film Festival in Ukraine.

10-07-14 / WHAT THE

Valentine's weekend, February 2004. The previous year had been a shitfest and I'd made nothing since the testing experience of What About the Bodies. Unsure what I wanted to do with my life and generally feeling under the cosh, regular collaborator and fellow pulp sci-fi fetishist Tim Cunningham gave me a short story he'd written. A particular element of said story tickled my fancy and I found myself adapting it into a script we could shoot over a weekend. The film saved me in many ways and I have very fond memories of making it, the best way, with a supremely dedicated skeleton crew doing it out of pure love.

14-06-14 / NEW COMMERCIAL / HAMBURG SHORT FILM FESTIVAL

A one-day commercial shoot in Barry Island for the Welsh goverment. A hasty wrap and race for the train to London. Editing at Envy the following day, then grading and VFX preparation the next. Hard to believe we were shooting in Wales only two days before. The VFX team began their wizardry while I made my way to the airport for the annual Hamburg International Short Film Festival.

Strolled off the train at Gatwick, a mite frazzled, and almost dropped a payload as the train pulled away with my bag and passport still on board. An airport staff member was nothing short of angelic, calling the guard at the next station to have the bag found and switched onto the next returning train which, miraculously, worked out JUST in the nick of time. Legged it through departures with one minute to spare, brain ejaculating with gratitude for the human race. This doesn't happen often.

Didn't submit a film to the festival this year, but managed a quick happy birthday video for their 30th anniversary. John Smith's contribution was typically brilliant. The festival's regular Wall is a Screen event (screening films on public wall spaces around the city) surpassed itself by showing each film in its original format, combining a 35mm projector, a 16mm projector, VHS, Betamax and Betacam machines. No mean feat on the street yo. Massive audiences due to the balmy temperature, which climaxed in a dramatic storm the following day. Moments before the eerie sky emptied its bladder, clouds billowed in weird waves like something from War of the Worlds. Gentle Germans squealed and scampered inside, fleeing wind, rain, and potential alien invasion. Time to slip into the film market and see some recommended titles.

Always good to see a new one from the ever-reliable Jay Rosenblatt (The Claustrum) but the film that really snapped me out of my torpor was Hannes Vartiainen & Pekka Veikkolainen's Emergency Calls (Finland). For the rest of my stay I found myself jabbering on about it to anyone who happened to be standing next to me. Probably my favourite short of this year so far.

Returning to the commercial in London, the visual effects had come along nicely. It was clear we were in good hands with this team, and I'd work with them again in a heartbeat. Having others do the VFX legwork is new for me. Two days of this, followed by half a day mixing sound, and everything was finished. A quick pint, a train home, and the hectic but satisfying fortnight was over.

04-05-14 / BRUSSELS / A FLIGHT FROM HECK

Unfortunately I only got to see the programme that included Stew & Punch and I regret not seeing more because the selection was solid. The show was easily sold out, only being able to accommodate half the massive queue outside, and you can't ask for better than that from a festival. Look out for Jean-Francois Asselin's Memorable Moi (Canada) for rapidly escalating comedy, or Carine May's La Viree a Paname (France) for the best lead actor's face I've seen in ages. I've no idea if the other nine international programmes were as good or if I just got lucky to screen in good company. Unless of course my [in]tolerance is calming with age, in which case it's compensating by becoming more aggro in other areas (no thank you), but more on that later.

Some reflections about Brussels: There seemed a curious lack of dogs. Also, cars didn't have brakes, especially at zebra crossings. The various comic art murals around town were smashing and I'd now like a colourful Asterix brawl to liven up my house (no offence TinTin, I love you too). The Jean-Claude Van Damme statue (yes, there is one) is a missed opportunity that might otherwise have been a much-photographed attraction with people lining up to be kicked in the chops by the Muscles de Bruxelles. Conversely, Manneken Pis is so swamped it's creepy. As if hordes of people scrumming to fill their phones with pictures of a boy's bronze todger wasn't unsettling enough, on this occasion said digit was poking out of a bright orange raincoat. Like a flasher. One waffle store even has him poised over the delights on offer, but it seems okay to suggest soiling waffles with boypiss so long as he's wearing a funny hat. One can't help wondering, if the statue of JCVD had him lashing into a shop doorway, it might send tourism through the roof.

After a good festival I landed with a dull thud when reminded how aggravating fellow passengers on a Ryanair flight can be, and by the time the plane touched down I found myself wishing I was a copper so I could throw half of the rowdy bell-ends in jail and melt the key. Then, on the subsequent train journey from Manchester I started to wonder if a) I'm sociopathic, and b) why commuters' collective respect for others plummets so fatally on weekends. First there were two different couples who relentlessly slurped and pecked at each other like hungry birds nibbling at infinite jelly. Then there was a fellow sitting opposite who decided to stare at me like it was going to win him a prize. Happy to see him disembark at Sheffield with my day almost unruined, a couple got on and took his place. I sat willing them not to start necking when, five minutes later, the man leans over to his girlfriend and begins to helpfully pull hairs from her chin, like a chimp might pick flies off its pal. Then I get home to find that the BNP have been dropping flyers through people's doors. I only went away for a few days, so did the UK go mad or what?

24-04-14 / NYC TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL

First off, BIG thanks to the British Council and BFI for the Shorts Support Scheme travel grant that made the trip to NYC possible. Tribeca Film Festival 2014, with 57 shorts selected for competition from over 3000 entries, so Stew & Punch is very chuffed with itself. My apartment was nestled between Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges in Chinatown, replete with all the excellent shabby-chique NY cliches like steaming manholes and fire escapes. Without time to register at the festival centre I went straight to a UK film reception and stood in the corner like a mindful cop, wondering why there wasn't a single British accent and realising that this must make me THE British filmmaker. Frustratingly, I couldn't get into my booked screening of Keith Miller's Five Star (USA) because I didn't arrive 30mins early, pff.

Day 2: Got myself registered and met the super-helpful festival gent Ben Thompson, an indispensible ally from the day my film was selected. Mooched off to do some GoPro filming and sound recording, starting with a walk across Manhattan Bridge from the Brooklyn end. Later, at the Panavision cocktails, I was thrilled to meet Michael Berryman. A bona fide legend throughout my childhood, easily recognised by anyone who has seen the original The Hills Have Eyes, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest or Weird Science. He was starring in the short film One Please, much gruesome fun and director Jesse Burks, who gave the most delightfully humble Q&A I've ever seen. Got lost on the way home then watched rats scurrying around the garbage across the street. I thought they were cute until I crossed the street to try photographing them and experienced a whole new kind of shudder.

Day 3: Bright sunshine, boom! The first screening of Stew & Punch in the Moral Fibers programme and it went down great. At a key point in the film a stranger sitting next to me bellowed "Shit! Noo! Shit!" hehe. The film was in good company too - not only were the other films solid but the programme itself was compiled with care. As many (but not all) programmers already know, this is utterly crucial - when the order of shorts in a programme are thrown together without rhyme or reason they can easily step all over each other. After all, you wouldn't eat your ice cream before your fish and then end with soup, and so it's the same for short film programming. Lots of encouraging feedback for Stew & Punch, especially from a bear-like man whose huge hand utterly swallowed mine. Met one of my favourite 80s 'brat pack' ensemble actors Casey Siemaszko (Stand By Me, Biloxi Blues, Three O'Clock High), who was very cool and has aged quite brilliantly, the lucky bastard. Ate two slices of pizza that were each as big as my head, then caught a late screening of Talya Lavie's excellent Zero Motivation (Israel), a black comedy about a unit of women serving at an Israeli military base. It kept me wide awake and smiling from start to finish. Highly recommended. Before hitting the sack I perched on the stoop outside my apartment and found much enjoyment watching passers-by freak out in their various ways as they realised they were in the company of my new rat pals. This became a nightly entertainment before bed.

Day 4: Became quite obsessed with an idea for a new short film and spent the majority of the day recording sound. And I finally, FINALLY made it to Coney Island (home of The Warriors, nerds). In 2007 an interview was arranged for me on the iconic Wonder Wheel, which was set to be paused as I reached the top, then due to some issue with my phone network I didn't make it, which I still rue to this day. This time it was a busy Easter Sunday and sunny as hell but COLD. Back to Manhattan and I had the pleasure of seeing Tyler Measom and Just Weinstein's superb feature documentary An Honest Liar (USA). Telling the colourful story of stalwart magician 'The Great Randi', who made it his mission to expose charlatans exploiting magic for money, Randi himself took to the stage afterwards and charmed the pants off the audience. An all-round great experience and a film well worth catching if you get the chance. The second screening of Stew & Punch was as gratifying as the first, then there was the short film party and a bunch of us ended up crashing at an apartment in Alphabet City rented by, believe it or not, an English bloke who studied in Derby under the tutelage of a mutual colleague from Nottingham.

Day 5: After only 3 hours of sleep on a hard wooden floor I zombied my way to see David McKenzie's Starred Up (UK). I would have seen it already during its UK release but I'd already booked for Tribeca so was determined to wait. Simply excellent. The best British film I've seen in ages; violent yes, but terribly harrowing. As for the Q&A, some people really should think before they ask nonsensical questions. The film is a more than worthy successor to the work of Alan Clarke (the obvious but unavoidable comparison) and I finally met lead actor Jack O'Connell, who hails from Nottingham's television workshop and was a potential choice for the mob leader in Soft 8 years ago (ultimately though, I was blessed with the fearsome genius of Michael Socha so I can hardly complain). It filled me with heart to see a Nottingham TV Workshop alumnus flying the flag at a festival like Tribeca, absolutely smashing it, then having a queue of cooing girls wanting their picture taken with him. Damn shame that our schedules didn't allow him to catch his workshop colleagues in Stew & Punch.

Day 6: The problem with NYC is that there's always too much to squash into a short trip. This last day ended up being a hectic runaround, though I managed to grab a relatively peaceful hour in Brooklyn's Prospect Park. My GoPro battery expired and I had to park myself under a tree to give it just enough juice, via laptop, to do what I needed on Brooklyn Bridge. Through all of this I completely missed the director's brunch; the annual event where filmmakers eat lots of free stuff and hobnob with Mr. De Niro. Sneaked into a final shorts programme before leaving and once again it was a strong show, only slightly compromised by the old fella sitting next to me who insisted on biting/chewing his finger all the way through Mat Kirkby's The Phone Call (a very quiet UK film, so gobby slurping was most unwelcome). Sad to leave, but mission accomplished. I won't miss the black bogeys or the ubiquitous "like, like, like" speech afflictions, but I met so many, like, ace people and saw, like, a bunch of cracking films, which is, like, what it's all about. Tribeca really has a good balance of status and intimacy. The sheer busyness of big festivals can often result in standoffish hosting, but Sharon Badal, Ben Thompson and the rest of the team have really got things right here. Binge-watching Mad Men on the red-eye home wrapped the whole NYC experience in an appropriate bow.

Lots of good shorts but some highlights that hang in my immediate skull are Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer's Contrapelo (USA), Kimmo Ylakas' Kakara (Finland) and Arian Moayed's Day Ten (USA). Check them out at a festival near you if you get the chance.

UPDATE: The Israeli feature Zero Motivation won TWO prizes including Best Narrative Feature - Whoop! Very well deserved.

10-04-14 / NEW SITE / 10 AGAIN

Time for a change of clothes, oh yes, so here we are. Welcome to simonellisfilms.com and may you never ask me about the meaning of 'bubtowers' ever again. A few things are different - some streamlined navigation, a few more video uploads, and a spanking new YouTube channel which I'm building slowly but surely. To celebrate, here's the online debut (?!?) of a film I made 12 years ago called 10again:

02-04-14 / ERARTA FESTIVAL IN ST. PETERSBURG / TWITTER / DOMAIN CHANGE

Brilliant sunshine. Light snow. Meeting friends new and old. A hungry chameleon. Insane architecture. Vodka that looked like mushy peas. An intriguing tattoo. Paintings. Getting lost and being rescued. A very bad hotdog. A brilliant real dog. More brilliant sunshine. Sudden cold and snow. Photo-crushing, pouty hangover syndrome... Fantastic to finally make the very brief but long-overdue trip to St Petersburg.

I was on jury duty and also screened a retrospective, repping the UK alongside English legend John Smith. The connecting theme of the films in competition was painting and art, and while this might seem a rather restrictive niche, these were great films of extremely varied execution. The organisers were a great bunch and it was one of those trips where you take away that little bit more than seeing films and meeting new people. We were kindly given tours of the obligatory tourist highlights like the church of spilled blood (below) and the Hermitage museum. Most surprising of all for me was the return of a part of my brain which had been on holiday ever since my Fine Art university days. Big thanks to Vadim, Alexei, Katya, Denis, Lidiia, and everyone else who made it such a special time.

People talk about the UK having a fickle climate but it's got nothing on Russia. During the journey back to the airport we experienced brilliant sunshine, then grey skies and snow, then brilliant sunshine, followed by more snow, all in the course of 30 minutes.

In other news, I finally threw caution to the wind and joined the Twittersphere.

Speaking of my Twitter hashtag, bubtowers.com will be changing its URL to simonellisfilms.com (link already active) as part of a general online branding overhaul. It's really the long-overdue result of too many enquiries about what 'bubtowers' means. I'm even planning a YouTube channel. Better late than never!

11-03-14 / 'IT'S WHAT WE DO' CAMPAIGN SMASHING IT / 'STEW & PUNCH' IN BRUSSELS

Well, the Scottish Police films have gotten off to a great start, scooping a prestigous Hot Shot (commercial of the week) from Shots and five stars on David Reviews, who said:

“This remarkable online piece, designed to remind us that the police often have to take extraordinary risks in order to protect the public, was filmed in a single sequence. This proves very effective, especially once the two officers are inside the house, and the effect of what happens at the end is pretty chilling. It seems to be throwing down the gauntlet to anyone considering the police as a career: are you up to this kind of challenge? Probably the vast majority of us would categorically say no, but then maybe that's exactly the point - only those who might be capable will seriously think about it.”

In other news, Stew & Punch will screen at Brussels Short Film Festival at the end of April.

11-03-14 / 'STEW & PUNCH' U.S PREMIERE AT TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL

North American premiere of Stew & Punch at this year's Tribeca Film Festival in NYC this April, with screenings on the 19th, 20th, 24th and 27th.

10-03-14 / SCOTTISH POLICE FEDERATION FILMS - 'IT'S WHAT WE DO'

Och, here's the finished films I did for the Scottish Police Federation with the boys at Brain Candy Films, which went live today. Any nuts out there who might be interested in a detailed blog of the production will find it here, although there is a bonus fourth film below, by John Duncan, which documents the behind-the-scenes shenanigans for those who can't [be bothered to] read.

01-03-14 / SCOTTISH POLICE FEDERATION FILMS FINISHED

Grade completed at MyTherapy in London yesterday, whoop. Here's Dado at the wheels of steel while the two muppets behind him discuss the intricacies of kelvin, knee, pedestal, lift, gamma and gain. Oh yes...

10-02-14 / FILMING IN SCOTLAND

Just spent a week in Scotland shooting three shorts for the Scottish Police Federation. Working with Brain Candy Films in Birmingham, it was a roaring success and we didn't even get rained on (a minor miracle in itself for Scotland in February, surely?). I suppose it's always the done thing to gush about one's team after a shoot has wrapped, but this lot were incredible. There wasn't a single dent in our collective armour and every single person gave it their all without complaint. The proverbial machine. And when the police liason is telling you each day how accurate the casting is, you know you're doing something right.

Kudos to the boys at Brain Candy for assembling such a winning crew. I even got to "release my inner vandal" (thanks for that Ash) and kick a car's head in to let off steam. More on the resulting films later, but we're talking about 3 x 2min films, each shot in one continuous take, focusing on the difficult decisions that police officers are forced to make when up against it.

23-01-14 / NEW FESTIVAL TRAILER

So, a few months ago I was given a brief to create a trailer for Punto De Vista Documentary Film Festival, the brief being ‘the frozen image’. I decided to wait for snow so I could film something in my garden or similar, only the snow never came and time was running out. Instead, I visited a local second-hand shop, bought a beautiful old 8mm camera, and put it inside my freezer. After knocking up a makeshift greenscreen in my kitchen and filming the camera several times I managed to come up with this (below). Please be sure to watch in HD through headphones:

10-12-13 / LEUVEN SHORT FILM FESTIVAL & THE END OF AN ERA

My second visit to lovely Leuven, and a busier time than the usual festival jaunt. Initially invited to hold a masterclass in short film writing, a jury invitation for the Flemish competition soon followed, while Stew & Punch simultaneously participated in the European Competition. Then RITS film school in Brussels asked if I would be interested in hosting a series of script development workshops with six candidates who are working towards finished drafts for potential production finance.

Humbling as such invitations are, I generally decline them on the grounds that any teaching of short film writing is a suspicious practice. After all, I'm only a writer by proxy of directing, self-taught with no academic experience, but I know you don't need a set of guidelines to make a short film. I used to have a similar dilemma about attending juries, because let's face it: who am I to vote? Then I decided that if I didn't vote then someone else would, and it may as well be me if I want to see the rightful films winning prizes. Add to this the opportunity to watch a lot of short films, which has always been my education in the medium, and it became a no-brainer. So, I said yes to the workshops and thoroughly enjoyed working with each and every candidate. I hope to see their finished films at a festival before long.

The masterclass was my final duty and it was lovely that so many people showed up. Almost as soon as it was over I felt my brain gratefully shutting down. I then found out that Stew & Punch came third in the votes for the Audience Award, so just when i was feeling all bronzey and everyone was being so nice... a bad thing happened. After telling someone only hours before about my 19 years of not vomiting, I woke at 5am with my stomach on fire. I knew it was about to happen, that my reign would sadly not reach its 20th anniversary, and so my hotel room turned into a scene from The Exorcist. Being a confirmed emetophobe, the experience was terrifying and continued relentlessly until my scheduled pick-up for the airport at 12pm. Dehydrated because I couldn't hold down fluid, delirious from one hour's sleep, I tripped on my own feet through the airport and somehow managed to get home with my dignity intact.

26-11-13 / 'STEW & PUNCH' WINS AT EXGROUND FILM FESTIVAL

Massive thanks to Andrea Wink and the team from Exground Filmfest in Wiesbaden for selecting Stew & Punch in the first instance, and thanks of course to the jury for awarding it the prize for Best International Short Film. Final thanks go to the audiences for responding so brilliantly - there were some great films in the competition and the ones that make people laugh are seldom awarded jury prizes. "Comedy", if you believe in such a limiting description for a genre, is usually the preserve of audience awards, so I'm buzzing that this particular jury highlighted the density of the drama beyond the black comedy on the surface. All of the small details which cast & crew worked so hard at helping me to include were recognised and appreciated. I received so many great compliments from people and every single one of them warmed the cockles of my increasingly cynical heart. I'm genuinely choked that it has been honoured in this way. Many thanks to festival photographer Dagmar Rittner for the photographs:

The full jury statement: "The film tells a macro story of a microcosm. We easily follow the director's invitation to look through a magnifying glass onto modern society. Today, man's role seems to be blurred and evokes situations of discordance and tension. The director masterfully combines ancient three-act drama with innovative film language. His statement encourages us to reflect our own position and overcome obsolete conventions. Great actors, brilliant camera work, perfect timing and a fine sense of British humour - this recipe punched us."

20-11-13 / INTERNATIONAL CREAM

Woah, I knew I'd been absent for a while, but TWO MONTHS?!? Where does it go? In that time I've been mostly quarantined with a virus, a virus which kicked off after watching five feature films a day at London Film Festival - so there you have it, films ARE bad for your health. I also had to decline an invitation to be on the BAFTA short film jury, my chance to do some justice and try to steer things in a better direction, but of course I wouldn't have been able to submit Stew & Punch if I accepted, pfff. It's probably too celebrity-less for BAFTA but you have to try these things.

International Cream: I have programmed a selection of my favourite short films for Bang Short Film Festival here in Nottingham, a refined version of the programme I did for Festival No6. It's on December 1st at 5pm. Never mind your Sunday malaise, book now and turn up, or you won't be there.

20-09-13 / ENCOUNTERS: A UK SUCCESS TO BE PROUD OF

The only thing worse than leaving a really nice festival is having to leave it prematurely, and Encounters has become THE prime event in the UK with a buzz that goes from strength to strength each year. Bursting at the seams with guests that include almost all of the competing filmmakers, a vast range of top-notch programming and talks, I was crushed to leave before the weekend even started. And with festival director and pal Liz Harkman leaving for Australia this year, I have no doubt that said weekend's celebrations will be significant. Bon voyage Liz!

After two very different-looking projections of my homemade DCP of Stew & Punch (too little contrast in one festival, way too much in another), I'm somewhat relieved to say that it looked exactly right at Encounters, although their presentation has always been second to none so I needn't have worried. Considering I was screening at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon I was astonished to find the theatre completely full (!) and ALL of the competing directors in attendance. Amazing!

Finally, it's cry-worthy that I had to miss Franz Treichler's live soundtrack performance when The Young Gods were such a significant band of my late teens. I never thought I'd see a day where I was telling an amused Franz how I was punched in the face at one of his gigs over 20 years ago. Delighted to discover that he's a bloody nice bloke because it's so disappointing when it goes the other way.

16-09-13 / FESTIVAL NO.6 SHORT FILM CINEMA

Straight from a real Italian town to a pretend one - Portmeirion in Wales. The rain lashed down for two days out of three and there was a 'code red' weather warning which downed several trees and flattened tents. Thankfully, there was one day of glorious sunshine and it didn't clash with the programme I was screening, which consisted of ten shorts totalling two hours, looped four times. The venue was a cute little hut where the forest meets the town, with only thirty seats and surprsingly effective back projection.

Thanks to all the directors for agreeing to participate! For anyone interested, this was the line-up: Premature (Gunhild Enger, Norway), The Centrifuge Brain Project (Till Nowak, Germany), Incident by a Bank (Ruben Ostlund, Sweden), Afraid So (Jay Rosenblatt, USA), Dad's Stick (John Smith, UK), Stew & Punch (Simon Ellis, UK), Bear (Nash Edgerton, Australia), Tumult (Johnny Barrington, UK), Animals I Killed Last Summer (Gustav Danielsson, Sweden), The Apocalypse (Andrew Zuchero, USA).

12-09-13 / MILAN FILM FESTIVAL / FESTIVAL NO.6

Another smashing time at Milano Film Festival - a bonus burst of cheeky summer as the chill arrived in the UK and, frankly, it's cack to be home. Aside from Stew & Punch screening in competition it was the festival's 18th anniversary, which meant nightly screenings of a 'platinum programme' of their favourite shorts from previous editions. This included screenings of Soft, What About the Bodies, What The and 10 Again. After Jam Today was rained off in 2011 it was most gratifying to finally see not one but two of my films on the open air screen. I even lugged a proper camera over there to capture the occasion. Many thanks to all of the festival staff for making me feel welcome, as always, and to my host Lucia for letting me stay in her lovely apartment.

A few films that stood out for me were Oscar Ruiz Navia's Solecito (Colombia), Jorge Lopez Navarrete's Little Block of Cement With Disheveled Hair Containing the Sea (Spain), Monia Chokri's An Extraordinary Person (Canada). And from the animated films: Anna Mantzaris & Eirik Gronmo Bjornsen's But Milk Is Important (Norway) and Nicolas de Leval Jezierski's Half You Met My Girlfriend (Germany).

Finally, if you happen to be attending Festival No.6 in Portmeirion this Friday (tomorrow, eek), I programmed the No.6 Short Film Cinema. Ten shorts from Norway, Sweden, Germany, USA, UK and Australia, handpicked on instinct for people who may not be used to seeing short films. Be warned that the show includes occasional graphic content so it's probably best if you don't bring the kids along.

23-08-13 / ANONIMUL - A FILM FESTIVAL IN PARADISE

There are some film festivals you return from with such an enormous sense of satisfaction, with memories you know you will keep forever and new friends you will stay in touch with. I'm not sure my words and photographs can justly illustrate the Anonimul experience. Stepping off the plane into 37 degree heat was a promising start, but then things just got better and better. And better. A relaxed afternoon and evening in Bucharest guaranteed a fresh head for the long journey the following morning: a four-hour drive east to take a one-hour speedboat ride up the Danube, to the festival location of Sfantu Gheorghe, described on the festival website as "a magical place, where the Danube meets the Black Sea, an unconventional, picturesque place out of time... with many flowers, sun, sand, vividly painted houses burst by the wind, with hand-made wooden decorations and reed roofs".

Our outward journey was an adventure in itself, with eighteen guests and their luggage (including musical instruments) packed into a minibus. Two hours into the journey, in the middle of parched nowhere, the engine made a snapping sound and a tyre blew. After a number of failed attempts to keep going we ended up stranded next to a sunflower field, munching on fresh seeds. Everyone was in great spirits and it was such an odd sight, all of us different nationalities, getting to know each other in this bizarre situation. When replacement transport arrived, we made it to the Danube and the speedboat set off. I was busy filming from the back of the boat when the driver put his foot down and my sunglasses were sucked from my face, spiralling into the river. My vampiric eyes prepared for the imminent three-day headache, but I was saved by the generosity of Italian director Aldo Iluniano (how cool is that name?) who gave up his own shades for the whole stretch. Thanks Aldo, you really did save me from a predicament.

The 'Green Village' complex, where we stayed for the duration, is again difficult to describe. Quite simply, I was on holiday, complete with swimming pool and the chirruping of crickets. We met the organisers, who were so lovely and apologetic about our ten-hour journey, even though we had already forgotten about it. I then found out that Stew & Punch was screening at 2am on the outdoor screen so I stuck around for it, just for the thrill of being able to see it projected underneath a vast milky way, not to mention the remains of the Perseids meteor shower. A beautiful experience. When I first heard about this festival several years ago there was much talk about the mosquitoes, and they were true to their reputation, though they couldn't mar the experience of being in such a mellow environment with equally mellow people (both guests and organisers).

A feature film from Emir Baigazin called Harmony Lessons (Kazakhstan) looked superb, with perfectly executed scenes of bullying demanding my attention, though I only saw parts of it and had to make myself leave in order to preserve the experience for future viewing. This was its Romanian premiere and it already won prizes in Berlin and Tribeca earlier this year. I can't wait to see it in full. Congratulations also to the charismatic Yuri Bykov (Russia) for winning the main prize for his feature The Major. I only caught the first thirty minutes but it's one of those openers that grabs you by the nuts and doesn't let go.

The Black Sea was only a twenty-minute walk away and on the last night we opted not to sleep so we could go and watch the sun rise. I honestly didn't want to leave and considered burying myself in the sand for a day or two. Alas, I didn't, and it was time to go spend a last night in Bucharest before returning home. The money-grabbing scumbags at WizzAir threatened to interrupt my good mood by stinging me for cash at the airport, then a flight full of typically embarrassing, borderline-retarded English 'lads' made me ashamed to be English. Finally, there was a dramatic finish when a young Romanian man was seized by police after getting off the plane, leaving his crying girlfriend at baggage reclaim. In summary though, if you are a filmmaker and you ever get the chance to visit Anonimul, take it without hesitation.

05-08-13 / UPCOMING SCREENINGS OF 'STEW & PUNCH' AND 'SOFT'

Stew & Punch will be screening at a few imminent festivals - Anonimul (Romania, August), Silhouette (Paris, September), Milano (Italy, September) and Encounters (Bristol, UK, September). Also, if you're based in or near Amsterdam, here is an interesting looking open air screening of Soft, happening next Friday. There is an accompanying interview (in Dutch) here.

04-07-13 / WHAT ABOUT THE BODIES

Here's an old festival favourite from 2002 which became a benchmark for me in terms of stressful shoots. I'd always operated my own camera but on this one the ambition was bigger in terms of location, weather, stunts, tricks, and my first crane shot. I made the stupid mistake of thinking I could shoot it all in two days without accounting for the fact that it was almost winter and daylight was in short supply. On top of that there was the fickle climate of the English Lake District and a massive scribble of other problems, like a vintage car that didn't much like driving long distances. Ultimately, my team saved my ass by agreeing to return to the location three weeks later for next to nothing and shoot two more days, by which time I had edited the first half of the film. I learned a crapload on this bugger.

12-06-13 / 'STEW & PUNCH' WORLD PREMIERE AT IKFF HAMBURG

Another year, another Hamburg International Short Film Festival, and Stew & Punch was well received. Elsewhere, an audience member suffered some kind of seizure during a programme, and one crazy Russian fell asleep on the S-Bahn every night while travelling home, either waking at the airport or going back and forth for 4 hours on one occasion. As this happens to him so frequently, I think there might just be an amusing documentary to be discussed. Big thanks to the British Council & BFI for funding the trip!

My washing machine is rinsing the last of the Hamburg atmosphere from my clothes as I write this, and I may have to run a second cycle (okay, that sounds a bit weird but there is meaning in there somewhere). Alliteratively speaking, the key ingredients for this festival are sunshine, sausage, schnapps, and a shitload of shorts. Oh, and sleep deprivation. Sometimes the sun is missing but for 2013 all elements were very much present and correct. The festival surpassed their typically generous array of side programmes by exploiting several new locations within their extensive warehouse premises, whether it be outdoor walls or the nooks of a subterranean boiler room. It's difficult to imagine how they could squeeze in more films and I can't help wondering what next year's 30th anniversary edition might bring.

There were some truly smashing films in the international competition and a few highlights were Paul Fegan's Pouters (Scotland), Jean-Bernard Marlin's La Fugue (France), Jenni Toivoniemi's The Date (Finland), Gunhild Enger's A Simpler Life (Sweden), Artykpai Suiundukov's Nomadic (Kyrgyzstan), Adrian Orr's Good Morning Resistance (Spain), Gustav Danielsson's Animals I Killed Last Summer (Sweden), and John Smith's Dad's Stick (England). Normal life is rubbish, Hamburg über alles!

29-05-13 / DOING REALLY WELL

Another film from the archive, and its online debut. This one fully illustrates the editing fetish I had after the arrival of non-linear desktop systems liberated us from the constraints of old-school machine editing (by comparison, my latest film Stew & Punch, which is almost 17 minutes long, contains only 2 edits). It's all delightfully barmy and watching through the rushes was a real education in terms of the way I used to worked at the time.

25-04-13 / ONE AND A HALF BRAS

Just remastered the short film which became the first third of 10 again in 2002:

25-03-13 / CHARLATAN RENAMES 'SOFT' AND TRIES TO PASS IT OFF AS HIS OWN

Amongst you are directors, producers, film festival programmers, commissioners and musicians, all of whom i'd like to make aware of Jean Philippe Farber, who has uploaded a film of mine onto YouTube and changed the credits to claim it as his own. while his effort is more amusing than anything else, the sheer audacity is shocking - in the end credits he has re-spelled everyone's names, including myself as 'Simon Temple' for editing, himself for writing and directing, and claiming copyright between himself and the BBC.

I happen to know from an aquaintance who dealt with JPB in the past that he is an actual practioner of film in the UK, so this isn't some teenage YouTube prank. He also has a website under his name. It will obviously be no trouble getting the upload removed, and it may already be gone by the time you read this, but it's important that as many people see this as possible in order to expose JPB's duplicity and prevent him from potentially taking an honest filmmaker's rightful slot in a festival programme with a film that might not be his his own, or be commissioned with a script that is stolen intellectual property (for example). I would never seriously consider such ludicrous hypotheses were this theft not so brazen, and I would like to prevent anyone else's time being wasted by JPB, whether it be thoughts of collaboration based on unconfirmed experience or simply time wasted having to blow the whistle in a case like this. After all, once his upload is removed people won't know he ever did it. Honestly, this world...

UPDATE 1: The internet is a wonderful thing and feedback has been amazing. The plot has thickened somewhat and while some things wouldn't be appropriate to post online (oh the irony) it transpires that JPF has done the same thing with a US short by Dan Trachtenberg, re-editing as well as re-titling it. For anyone interested, and before they are removed, the original film is here and the buggered version here.

UPDATE 2: JPF realised something was happening and removed two separate links to my film personally, before Channel 4 enforced the removal of his 'showreel', which also featured three minutes of my work and parts of other people's films. The trigger pulled, I finally sent him an email and, surprise surprise, two of his other short films have magically vanished.

20-03-13 / JURY IN THE NETHERLANDS / APOCALYPSE

Time flew during jury duties at GoShort festival in Nijmegen and it was really too much of a blur to report anything other than some favourite films, including Anna Frances Ewert's Endless Day (Germany), Oliver Schwarz's Dream Girl (Germany), Jan van Ijken's Facing Animals (Netherlands) and Sam de Jong's Magnesium (Netherlands). There were sadly many special programmes that clashed with work and therefore had to be missed, although it was an utter pleasure to see the Laurel & Hardy short Big Business by James W Horne (1929) on the big screen (they don't make them like they used to, etc etc).

I also found about, and was given, a book that was published in 2010 containing short stories by writers based on the synopses of several short films, Soft being one of them. The book was accompanied by a DVD of the films. I didn't ever hear about this.

On a slight tangent, here's an amusing short from this year's Sundance:

15-02-13 / 'STEW & PUNCH' PRESS SCREENING / UTOPIA

It's been a mad month or so. A couple of weeks in Hamburg trying to write, then home, then back to Germany for a few days at Berlin Film Festival, then finally the rather glitzy press launch of six short films made for the Collabor8te scheme, including my own Stew & Punch.

Berlin was pretty much a blur. I almost missed my flight going out and coming back, flying direct to London for the Collabor8te press launch in my festival scruffs. It turned out to be a champagne-and-celebrities affair at the Old Lumiere Cinema on Regent Street, which I utterly failed to adapt to after rough and ready Berlin. Stew & Punch was the final film in the programme and was thankfully well received, picking up a rather nice review here (you'll need to scroll down a bit).

Finally, while I was away Channel 4 launched Utopia, starring the exceptional young Oliver Woollford who debuted in my last short Jam Today - whooop, go Oliver!

31-01-13 / A MUSIC VIDEO FROM TOO LONG AGO

I've been wanting to post this music video for aaaages. It has been power-snoozing in the archives for far too many Sundays, and I even had to go trawling through this blog to find evidence of the date I shot it. Seems I didn't mention it at the time, but from checking the file metadata I deduce it was late Summer 2011. I had shot a binaural acoustic version of this number already, so here is the studio version. Given that my intention was to choreograph a single, unedited sequence, for which we couldn't find an appropriately minimal location for free, it was decided that I would hijack "at least three hours" (my words) after their soundcheck at a London gig. This way I craftily stole the space for nothing; tee blummin hee, right? We all squeezed into a circle on stage in the same arrangement I'd sketched out, then we were told we had only 45 minutes before being booted out. So with very little time and only available spotlights, we moved fast, without a camera rig, follow-focus or viewfinder. After five takes we were out of there. Ohhh for a sixth.

05-01-13 / 'BINAURAL SWIMMING (BEACH)' BACK ONLINE / 'STEW & PUNCH' IMMINENT

Here's the documentary sequel to Binaural Swimming (Skyspace) which I originally posted in October 2011 then had to remove for a festival screening opportunity. Don't ask why it took so long to get back online because I don't have a good answer. Remember to watch it through headphones though...

My new short film Stew & Punch is sprinting to the finish line. This is always the trickiest of times, watching it back endlessly while making those final adjustments, being mindful to keep perspective and not overcook anything before delivery. It's an excruciating dichotomy of relief and ordeal that is quite impossible to articulate in a few daft words, and I'm not about to write an essay on the matter.

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